Remember Back When We Were Small?

Had some interesting correspondence with a friend this week. He is straight and was discussing feelings that I might have for him. One of my responses was a surprise to me in how easily it flowed and how good it felt to let it flow. I had that satisfying feeling that you get when you have the opportunity to express yourself accurately.

I offer it here as a a small step in honesty and self-revelation.
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"Yes, I realize that you are straight and that there is not the possibility of our becoming a couple in a physical sense. Ours is a deep--yet platonic--friendship, and we enjoy its depth and even its occasional intensity. But this does not mean that we will further it along the same ways that you or I would pursue a life partner.

"Simultaneously, I do admit to always having a bit of hope and emotion around that being otherwise. Because there is such a spectrum of connection among all people--and because I don't fit too well into conventional boxes--I don't want to force others into acting according to preconceived formulas either. So I accept that there are limitations in our friendship which do not lessen its meaningfulness nor its continued growth. And there are connections we have, both physical and emotional, that do not imply a sexual connection. There is a playful balance in sharing qualities we both desire our life partners to have and not projecting onto the other that he is the life partner.

"In short, I recognize that some dreams and desires are of the heart and worth pursuing through confusion and discomfort to resolution and comfort, while others are merely light-hearted, fanciful creations of the moment which dissipate like chaff in the wind. Those I hold concerning you and me 'encompassing physical, sexual aspects of our selves' [a quote from his e-mail] I believe to be belonging to the latter; the dreams and desires of friendship I consider worthy of the former pursuit.

"My trying to dissect what relationships mean is a bit tormenting and also a bit pleasant. It is an emotion I encounter most distinctly with straight, male friends who are comfortable with considerable depth in their relationships, both with straight and gay men. The depth blurs old distinctions I once relied upon for my clarity. Questions arise. For example, Is it okay for (straight) men to hold hands? Can the two men still do so if there is a deep emotion attached to the action? What is that emotion allowed to be...deep friendship love...deep other love? What does it mean to feel deeply connected to your friends? Can good friends live together as housemates? Can they still do so if they care deeply for one another? What does it mean for two persons who care very deeply for one another to live together? Can one only kiss someone as a friend when you don't have deeper feelings for that person? What about hugs? What about massage? Does all of the defining get you anywhere? How do I distinguish differences in the meaning of what is physical comfort, like hugs, naps, holding or massage and what is sexual fulfillment? If sexual fulfillment is at times merely physical release and the holding of someone a much deeper connection, then which is permissable among friends?

"Which is more sexual, or more truly platonic, and which is more safe? To be lighlty engaged in a friendship, more buddy-to-buddy like and just hanging out, but also having sex? Or to not be physically involved, yet deeply connected on emotional and spiritual levels? And what about the in-between friendships where there is a lot of touch involved, and there is a deep emotional connection, but no intercourse?

"I had two friends in Boston who were intimately close to each other, one straight and one gay. They wrestled with these questions, too. I think the dynamic of straight-gay male friendship raises issues in unique ways that are not encountered through other friendships.

"Because I just viewed the Oliver Stone movie Alexander and have been thinking about old Rome, I wonder if all of this is not unlike the presumed male-male relationships that were more common and accepted back then. The best sex I've had (and the most often) has been with a straight friend of mine and yet there was never any sense that we might somehow be getting together as a couple. We just enjoyed the closeness of our skin to skin and had fun exploring and being playful together. There have been more than one such friendships. And I have been closer emotionally to some women. At times the deeper the emotion is, the more the connection actually feels physical. Where does it all leave me?

"With you, our relationship feels less physically sexual and yet deeper emotionally. It feels to me to be a true and very deep friendship. I had set out in this e-mail to give you a quick and clear response, letting you know that I appreciate your message and that I don't confuse your love or my love with something that would lead to sex. I want to assure you that you don't have to be guarded and that we can continue to enjoy our deep connection, even physical touch in its various forms, without my expecting it to be sex or the relationship to become that of a life partner. I continue to look elsewhere for that fulfillment in a man with whom I can run down the road in the rain. And, while I look, I will still enjoy running hand in hand with you and others without expecting those friendships and the love shared in them to be more than they are.

"I have rambled on long enough to have surely answered all the secrets of love. Unfortunately, I have managed only to scrape at the surface of my own lack of understanding.

"As for us, you and me, I feel as close to you as ever. I hope to always feel that depth and to always share a freedom with you that is unique to our friendship. I do recognize that I have occasional and fleeting fantasies that do not match yours. I enjoy the confusion which this gives me--and I trust that I will always remain able to let go those confusions, to embrace reality. I am content to accept exactly what you have to offer without pressuring it, either intentionally or with my imagination, to become something else. In that I find joy and love."