Friday, September 29, 2006


That's George Bush's last day.

If anyone actually still supports this man, please read the following excerpt (released in today's press). I'd be interested to read your comment as to why this Commander-in-Chief deserves any respect. It'd also interest me to know if you've read Franz Kafka's The Trial.

By Tom Curley
The Associated Press

Editor's note: Tom Curley is president and chief executive of the Associated Press. This column first appeared in The Washington Post.

NEW YORK -- Bilal Hussein, an Iraqi photographer who helped the Associated Press win a Pulitzer Prize last year, is now in his sixth month in a U.S. Army prison in Iraq. He doesn't understand why he's there, and neither do his AP colleagues.

The Army says it thinks Bilal has too many contacts among insurgents. He has taken pictures the Army thinks could have been made only with the connivance of insurgents. So Bilal himself must be one, too, or at least a sympathizer.

It is a measure of just how dangerous and disorienting Iraq has become that suspicions such as these are considered adequate grounds for locking up a man and throwing away the key.

After more than five months of trying to bring Bilal's case into the daylight, AP is now convinced the Army doesn't care whether Bilal is or isn't an insurgent. The Army doesn't have to care. Bilal is off the street, and the military says it doesn't consider itself accountable to any judicial authority that could question his guilt.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Now for Something Completely Different

My ususal mode of dealing with confusion is to hole up, pity myself and try to plod along alone in my imagined sadness. This time I decided to call the guy and ask to talk.

A new approach for me; I'm not that good at being vulnerable.

Turns out after further conversation, we agreed that there is something between that feels to be more than friendship. Not that there is any more clarity or certainty in that. But by our not packing the emotions into a friendship box--which doesn't feel genuine at this time--I feel like I have a companion who is at least on my level.

I don't feel as alone in groping about this unknown landscape.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006


That didn't take long. We spoke. He just wants to be friends. I'm back to focusing on being single.


So I'm asking the guy I mentioned in yesterday's post to help me decide if we want to date or to just be friends for awhile. Although subtle, knowing changes little interactions like going to dinner. As friends, we might just meet there. If dating, we might hold hands along the way.

Subtle, like I said, but my heart is not so tense if I know general expectations up front.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Maybe the Moon is Quieter

I'm a bit introspective these days, partly as defense and partly as healing.

The ususal after-church brunch group took John's ashes to Sophia's (our lunch spot) on Sunday. We ended up being about 20 in number and let John pay for it. Then we took the urn to the cemetery and had a final ceremony there.

We are in the process of interviewing for our new executive director. I hope that it will be someone who is very fun to work with and who gets a lot done. I am interviewing for a resident assistant and need a second one as backup. My assistant also gave notice (mostly because I need the job to be an office administrator and she enjoys doing direct service more...I offered her the resident assistant job, but she can't work the evenings....hmmm, there's the discrepancy), so I'm searching for help there, too.

I've had more clients than I can comfortably see right now with all of the personal time crunch. I currently have 5 clients, each that I'm seeing weekly, or--more accurately--every other week. Today's session was pretty draining as it involved regression to a time when a 4-yr. old was sexually abused by a parent.

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of weeks who seems to be exactly right for me. In fact, I think I am perfect for him, too. At the very least, we mutually swept each other off our feet.

Now he needs space. The better part of me thinks he is right, that if we go slower, we will both trust the relationship to last.

The other part of me thinks, "Oh I recognize this part. It's the part where the relationship dwindles and I go on my way alone again."

I am trying to have the patience to wait. You know, the ol' If-you-love-something-set-it-free kind of thing. Which generally sucks. But since I actually do trust this relationship, I am willing to wait. How long, I don't know. It's only been one day.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Why I've Been Remiss

“Is he floating right now, or walking up a staircase?”

Austin, still holding my hand, broke the silence with this question. We had both just witnessed the passing of his dad, John, and were sitting bedside with tears of sadness and joy streaming down our faces.

Two weeks ago, I posted that my friend had been diagnosed with cancer. It was in his lungs and liver and moved quickly. He died on Saturday, Sept. 16.

I had spent the night and that morning with the family. John was slightly coherent in the morning as Tracy (John’s partner) and I helped him to the bathroom and back into the hospital bed erected in the bedroom. We then took Austin, their 11 year-old son, out for breakfast and to visit a home they were having built.

We returned early in the afternoon. John was no longer talking coherently. His jaundiced eyes were not blinking. Before Tracy left to pick up his own family from the airport, we had to move John back onto the bed. He had twisted crosswise on the mattress and was muttering, “You can make it, John. John, you can make it.” To us he just said, “I’ve got to get to the door.”

John’s breathing had become apneic at this point and we knew it was a matter of only a short time before he died. Tracy left for the airport. Austin, who had said he didn’t want to see his dad dead, came into the room tearful and afraid. John’s staring, yellow eyes were alarming; when coupled with his gasping breathes, it is no wonder that Austin reached out to hold my hand. He sat in the chair next to me as I held onto to him with one hand and held John’s hand in the other.

As we sat, I explained to Austin what was happening.

“Can he see us?” asked Austin.

“Well, it’s kind of like when you are in a daze,” I said. “Your eyes are open, but you don’t really see anything. He can hear you, though. You can talk to him if you want.”

After about 10 minutes of explanations, Austin was a little less tense. We sat waiting until John stopped breathing. I leaned over to listen for a heartbeat and to listen for any air.

I told Austin that his dad was no longer with us. We settled back into the silence, held hands, and let the tears flow.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006


Sorry that postings have been so infrequent. I promise to do better.

My friend with cancer continues to deteriorate. His skin is jaundiced and he is in pain and without much appetite. But he is in good spirits. He says that he is ready and will only miss Tracy and Austin.

I went to the State Fair with Tracy and Austin on Sunday. Tracy decided to watch while Austin and I proceeded to ride every thrill in sight. Yesterday (Monday) Tracy picked Austin up early from school because he was really sore in the neck. I think it was payback: I was sore and bruised after Cliff's with Austin and this was his turn to be sore after all the rides. (Don't tell him that my back is sore today.)

Friends have really gathered around during this time in community. I'll write more about that soon.

For now, I have to find out if I am supposed to be at a speaker's training with United Way. If so, I need to cancel a hypnosis client. Meanwhile, at work, I fired an employee on Friday and am interviewing and hiring two more positions. Plus the shelter is in search of an executive director.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Questions, No Answers

Why was Homeland Security involved in the JonBenet Ramsey investigation?

Why did they arrest a guy who wasn't guilty of this crime?

Why did all of this happen just after a federal judge declared President Bush's wiretapping illegal?


Friday, September 01, 2006

Last Weekend

A good friend of mine went to the hospital last Friday with pneumonia. They discovered that he had suffered a heart attack. Then they discovered that he has cancer throughout his lungs and liver. The doctors told him that he has less than 2 months to live.

I spent most of the weekend with him and his partner. They have a 10-year old son. It is very sad.

I realized that I am also grieving the loss of something I don't even have: a partner/family of my own and the love that I see through their pain in this experience. Lots to feel and think and live through.

On Wednesday, I visited A-Man. He remembered me (though not my name) and we went for a walk. When I replied no to his quetion of whether or not I was married, he told me not to worry.

"You're very choiceable," he said.

I'll try to search on that virtue in the dating groups. Perhaps someone else out there is very choiceable.