Tuesday, October 31, 2006

An Inconvenient Truth

I’ve finally awakened to the fact that everyone thinks I will be the perfect partner…for someone else.

Before you tell me that this isn't true, ask yourself if I'm the one for you. I think you'll see what I mean. Everyone has a good reason.

I came back from Greece to good friends, all at friendly, respectable distances. That includes the guy I was interested in. He is at a friendly distance, too.

I think of Ennis in the closing scenes of “Brokeback Mountain” and understand his reclusivity. Perhaps I was never meant to be shared.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Back in New Mexico

Greece was fantastic! Lots of dancing and seafood and general soaking up of culture. It seems too daunting of a task to attempt some description here, but I'll briefly say that I love:
  • traditional Greek dancing
  • swimming in the Aegean Sea
  • seafood served right on the beach
  • eating dinner at 11 PM
  • good company
  • ancient, ancient history and ruins
  • volcanic hillsides
  • latenight explorations of city labyrinths
  • ouzo
  • not working
  • and countless other things about which we can talk live.
That's Mykonos on the left. Although I'm back at work, my mind is still overseas. I'm have adjusted back to the time change, although I did arrive an hour early at church today having forgotten the daylight savings switch.

That's all for now. Just wanted to check back in. I did update my sidebar and the banner at the bottom of the page. Don't forget to click on the Google Ads as your clicks send me money. (You don't have to buy anything.)

Friday, October 13, 2006

Soundtrack of My Life

Ever feel like you can hear the music that would be playing if your life was up on the screen? I spent this past week trying to alleviate my mind and emotions of the awareness of time by making a mixed CD. The songs are pointedly sad, although somehow I found myself enjoying them.

If you want a crudely made copy, send me a note and I'll see if I can burn you CD of "Love & Melancholy," which contains 20 songs.

Meanwhile, I am at work...my last day for awhile. I am attempting to stay focused on tasks at hand, but am ready to bolt.

Greece will clear my mind. I plan to sink into the adventure of being in a foreign country and enjoy myself. It was also be very good to be with Sharon and Matthias. I probably won't be blogging again until the 30th.

Naturally, I plan to spend some of my time there in reflection. Can I just let go and enjoy myself in life, without craving more? Am I able to engage socially while remaining alone without going crazy?

I have a small suspicion that Greece may be preparing me to return to solitutde in ABQ. But what I really want is for it to bring me back to surprising wholeness. It feels like that is part in my control and part in others'. I can't form relationship alone, but 40 years of experience tell me that alone is what I get.

I will try to allow time to form the questions, as well as the answers. Maybe I will learn how to be open without being vulnerable, engaged without feeling wounded.

It would be nice to put my brain and emotions into neutral and just function as a body. Surely there is some B-rate horror flick out there with that premise!

Thursday, October 12, 2006

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

Two more days of work and then I'm gone. Ahhh....

Headed to Greece for two weeks with wonderful friends: Sharon from San Diego and Matthias from Germany. Not there mentally, yet, as I have lingering emotions from these past weeks. But am certain that this will be exactly the time I need.

Haven't yet packed anything. Did borrow a suitcase last evening. Tonight is devoted to selecting and packing clothes, doing dishes (house is a wreck) and getting some time-released food for Alpha.

Will try to blog tomorrow before departure.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Then I'll Put It Down

One more time on the old saw...

Is the trick to managing life in having shallow connections? Is that how people survive? I find it difficult to not hurt deeply when I connect deeply. Am I overly sensitive?

My friend and I spoke Sunday. I told him that it hurt me too much to talk to him this week, that I'd see him in November after my vacation.

"Okay," he said. Poof. No communication.

I guess I should respect that he is responding to my pain. But I wonder if it just is easier for him not to call or see me. I make up that I am the one struggling with the absence of our friendship. How is it that he can so simply disconnect?

We saw each other only once last week for five minutes in a convenience store parking lot. We won't see each other again until November. Is that enough, even as close friends? Somehow he managed to get together with friends who aren't going anywhere three times last week. That is part of what tells me that the interest and pain is mine and not shared.

I know: I should probably have years of therapy to untangle this twisted web of how I don't relate well to relationships.

Or I could just settle on going to the bars.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Did you know…

Turns out that
does not have a card that reads:

“You don’t need my shit right now.”

There is something weird about wanting to be there for someone when how that person needs you to be there for him is by not being there.

As the song says, “Love hurts. Love breaks.”

This weekend I cried myself to sleep. Three times. Even when simply paying bills, the tears dripped unexpectedly down onto the papers on my desk. I feel weak and ashamed; like I should be able to enjoy my life and be emotionally strong, but instead I find myself wanting to be held and unable to engage in the simple acts of friendship.

Surely I’ve had enough experience living alone that I should be good at it by now. Instead, I discover that I am emotionally raw, once again telling myself that time will make things different. Right now I only believe that time just wears one out, that feelings subside out of exhaustion not out of resolution. One moment I feel my better self coming to the foreground. For a moment, I look forward to daily activities. The next moment, I find myself wondering what is the point and have difficulty getting out of bed.

Over the years I’ve noticed that my social interactions earn me lots of admirers. Unfortunately, that only amplifies the sounds of silence I have when I go home alone. Eventually the potential mate tells me that the timing is bad, that I’m a great friend but that he is not interested in more, or I find myself no longer attracted to him.

People say that true love finds them. I suppose the same is true of singlehood. That it just finds you without your looking for it.

My resolve now is to double efforts at paying off debt so that in a year or so I can take a non-descript job and live in solitude without agitating the part of me that seems destined to end up disappointed.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Fall Weekend

Saturday I went to a Blessing of the Animals, hosted by our church in the Poblanos Open Space. Afterwards, Brian and I explored the corn maze that they construct annually. This year it is in the shape of a lizard.

Afterwards, I curled up on the couch at the home where I am housesitting and enjoyed the PBS slate of cooking shows. Went to the Parade of Homes and enjoyed hanging out at Tracy's home while he worked. Then a group of us enjoyed the sunset and some wine.

Sunday was Michaelmas, our church's patronal feast day. Lots of great music (including mariachi) and a delicious potluck. I attended my monthly hypnosis peer review group in the afternoon and then went home and passed the time by reading and self-analyzing.

The reading was more interesting.

But the self reflection picked up from a comment I had made to Brian in the corn maze, that I have difficulty living ordinary life; sometimes the day-to-day fills me with an anxious dread. I have not uncovered the source of that yet.

Until I do, it can take a lot of focus for me to maintain calm and centeredness. I don't know why I overthink things; perhaps it is a defense mechanism that helps me think I can burn others out and return to the (false) comfort of being alone.

Mostly, it is likely due to my immature ability to know how to reach out in healthy ways and to have patience and faith in those connections when I am alone. I do know that I am a good friend, but I've never figured out how to be more. It would be nice to discover a balance of being.

Perhaps my meditation quota is low.