Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Then I'll Put It Down

One more time on the old saw...

Is the trick to managing life in having shallow connections? Is that how people survive? I find it difficult to not hurt deeply when I connect deeply. Am I overly sensitive?

My friend and I spoke Sunday. I told him that it hurt me too much to talk to him this week, that I'd see him in November after my vacation.

"Okay," he said. Poof. No communication.

I guess I should respect that he is responding to my pain. But I wonder if it just is easier for him not to call or see me. I make up that I am the one struggling with the absence of our friendship. How is it that he can so simply disconnect?

We saw each other only once last week for five minutes in a convenience store parking lot. We won't see each other again until November. Is that enough, even as close friends? Somehow he managed to get together with friends who aren't going anywhere three times last week. That is part of what tells me that the interest and pain is mine and not shared.

I know: I should probably have years of therapy to untangle this twisted web of how I don't relate well to relationships.

Or I could just settle on going to the bars.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

To be honest, yesterday I was about to respond to your remark about your perceived inability "to engage in the simple acts of friendship." But I understood your post to be emotional and without claim to encompass your entire spectrum of relationships.

Let me tell you now, after reading your last e-mail, that I feel that you are wrong. I do so not because I am hurt by your comment, and neither because I might feel that you have degraded our relationship. You have not. On the contrary, you have proven that you are my friend many times--to me, to yourself, to us. And probably other people, too. "Proven"? The word has a wrong taste here. You have sustained our relationship.

Why is it, Dennis, that we still have things to say to one another? How were we able to build up such a wealth of shared experiences that we can relate back to, simply being reminiscent, or for making future plans? How come I can't imagine my future without counting you among my friends? Why is it that the moments I have thought of you have been moments of repose?, enthusiasm?, joy? Why can we pick up a thread of conversation after years and dive right into an engaging conversation? Or how come we effortlessly find that shared feeling of being close to one another even after not seeing each other for long times?

Truly, you have no reason for thinking little of yourself and your ability to be a friend, Dennis.

In your last e-mail you mentioned the tigers that come at night. When I read it, the image reminded me of a song by the Indigo Girls, "Love will come to you". I like the song, but I believe love is already there.

Matthias

Love will come to you

guess i wasn't the best one to ask
me myself with my face pressed
up against love's glass
to see the shiny toy i've been hoping for
the one i never could afford
the wide world spins and spits turmoil
and the nations toil for peace
but the paws of fear upon your chest
only love can soothe that beast
and my words are paper tigers
no match for the predators of pain inside her
i say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they're true
as if i offered up a crystal ball to look through
where there's now one there will be two
i was born under the sign of cancer
(love will come to you)
like brushing cloth i smooth the wrinkles for an answer
(love will come)
i'm always closing my eyes and wishing i'm fine
(i close my eyes and wish you fine)
even though i know i'm not this time
(even though i know your not this time)
i say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they're true
as if i offered up a crystal ball to look through
where there's now one there will be two
dodging your memories a field of knives

Anonymous said...

Failed to paste in the entire text of the song. And the end of it is kind of important, isn't it?

Here we go again:

Love will come to you
(Indigo Girls)

guess i wasn't the best one to ask
me myself with my face pressed
up against love's glass
to see the shiny toy i've been hoping for
the one i never could afford
the wide world spins and spits turmoil
and the nations toil for peace
but the paws of fear upon your chest
only love can soothe that beast
and my words are paper tigers
no match for the predators of pain inside her
i say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they're true
as if i offered up a crystal ball to look through
where there's now one there will be two
i was born under the sign of cancer
(love will come to you)
like brushing cloth i smooth the wrinkles for an answer
(love will come)
i'm always closing my eyes and wishing i'm fine
(i close my eyes and wish you fine)
even though i know i'm not this time
(even though i know your not this time)
i say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they're true
as if i offered up a crystal ball to look through
where there's now one there will be two
dodging your memories a field of knives
always on the outside looking in on other's lives
i say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they're true
as if i offered up a crystal ball to look through
(i have offered up to you)
where there's now one there will be two
and i wish her insight to battle love's blindness
strength from the milk of human kindness
a safe place for all the pieces that scattered
learn to pretend there's more than love that matters

Anonymous said...

Here's hoping to see you at the bars...

Anonymous said...

Settle on going to the bars?!? How do you think a good number of gay man have met over the years? Though I prefer the internet these days, the bar is where I met my first boyfriend (of 15 years). Following his battle with cancer, the bars were my main support. The community is strong, going to the bars is not settling.

- Terry

Anonymous said...

Love is like a stove...
Burns you when it's hot.

Anonymous said...

Tried to call you, then decided to read your blog. I hope we can talk soon.

xoxox,
Doug.