Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I’ve skipped work yesterday and today, too emotional and angry to work for fear that I might fire someone just to vent the emotions. ☺ Mostly it’s just that I feel too agitated to sit at my desk, answer calls and chat with visitors because there is so much on my mind. The new therapy must be kicking in.

I’m using the two days to walk, to read and to meet friends for coffee…anything to stay busy without having to think or feel. It’s odd that, for right now, staying with the moment seems more like trying not to think about others. That’s not the healthiest form of being present, I know. But when I think of others, it plunges me into feeling all that isn’t, of noticing too strongly my desires and that pulls me into a swirl of wanting a future that isn’t. And that hurts.

So I return to the precise moment of now, sitting alone in my back yard, turning the page of a thriller fiction. I notice the sunlight, the taste of a sip of tea, the chirping of birds and the prickle of goose flesh on my skin as the warmth of the morning sun sharply contrasts with the chilled air. And I try hard not to think or to feel.

This just in:
To keep me distracted today, I just got a call from the city that $50,000 is available for the shelter...if I can come up with a proposal by 4 PM. Back to work, at least via my laptop.

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