(What is the plural for “anonymous” anyway?)
Once more, then I’ll shut up about it all and move on.
I think that my old patterns of falling silent and becoming reclusive, or at least keeping my deeper emotions to myself, are being summoned. I tried at first to stake out a different route this time. I confronted X with my perception of his convenient busyness that just so happened to coincide with my sharing uncomfortable truths. Was he simply avoiding me?
He admitted as much. I hoped to have reason to believe that ours would become an even deeper, stronger friendship. And I still do. But experience teaches me otherwise.
I can’t help but learn that relationships simply fade into history, deflecting awkwardness, when they are presented with uncomfortable truth. As the comments by anonymous(i?) projected, it does seem to be true—in my experience—that people like intimacy so long as it does not threaten the desired status quo.
Tell the truth and you get burned. Or at the least are avoided. It explains a lot of faded relationships in my life. They purport to welcome honest, frank openness, but when confronted with exactly that, there is suddenly a flurry of unavailability.
Some would argue that society teaches us such (in)action.
Society, hell. It isn’t society that teaches me to guard my emotions, to display only what is pleasantly accepted. Concretely, it is X and people like him—not society—who choose to become aloof, who teach me that I lose even what friendship I have and enjoy currently when I bare myself.
But then none of this is about X or anyone else but me. I am learning from this experience more about my own flaws. I don't negotiate the waters of emotions and friendships very well. But I'm learning and hopefully getting better at keeping to myself emotions that are inappropriate to share. I think that will lead to better overall health...for me, first of all, and subsequently in my relations with others.