Day Six

Weight:

Don't know.

Appetite:

Low to moderate, but everything cooked still smells fantastic. Meat smells especially good. This is interesting to me because I've been a vegetarian since 1991 (I do eat dairy and fish). I had a cup of green tea at 10:30. I'm drinking some pomegranate juice and tomato juice right now. I'll have some water and carrot juice around 9 tonight before going to work.

Energy:

Also low to moderate. It is difficult to get up after sleeping; I awake feeling really, really tired. Once I take an enema, I feel better and my energy is restored.

Emotion:

Subdued. For some reason, the music of Nick Drake is soothing to me.

Thoughts:

The fast has so far been primarily physical in focus, trying to outwit my busy schedule on a reduced caloric intake. Today i was glad to go to church and refocus on the deeper purpose.

I notice that I am able to more quickly pay attention to things below the surface when I encounter people. It's like I don't have enough energy to spend on extra interaction, so, conserving the energy that I do have, I choose to give it to things with a little more meaning. It's not unlike when one is depressed and doesn't really care what people think. Things are a little more raw and clear, only this time in a positive way. My mind can't stay focused for too long and I want to give that focus to things that matter to me.

I am frustrated with overdue bills. I miss being able to say "Yes" to invitations to do things (notice how many things you do with friends cost money...gas, entrance fee, restaurant, taking food to a dinner, etc.), or to buy something that I find appealing in a store. Right now it is warming in Albuquerque. It was in the 90s two days ago and in the upper 80s since. The downtown is alive and the sights, sounds smells bring back fond memories of active evenings in Boston. Except right now, I can't join in the activities; my time is consumed by the need to find more work to pay bills.

The frenetic work pace also makes me long for no debt so that my simple living actually allows me to live a simple and quiet life. Currently, the need for work means no carefree activities and, more importantly, no time for increased spiritual activities like increased meditation time, attending spiritual lectures, reading, reflecting and the like.

I wonder how this will resolve itself, how I will pay the bills, how I will find balance. I feel patience. I also feel a knowing within myself that the current work pathway must change.

I read in the Autobiography of a Yogi that "In that perfect and unshakable state of consciousness, a yogi finds no difficulty in performing all of his worldly duties." It is the same in all faith traditions. Christ calls me to a renunciation of the world while being fully in the world. It is this delicate razor's edge that I know I must travel. For the moment, that balance within me is askew, favoring worldly commitments in the form of monetary demands.

To meet those demands, I worked yesterday at Costco from 10-3 and at the homeless shelter from 5-9. Tonight I must stay awake from 10 PM - 6 AM in a health care facility with a patient there. Then from 10-11:30 AM, I have a hypnotherapy client. The A Man is from 3-6 and the shelter again from 6-9. It's a kind of a 24-hour stint of work....

I'm learning that the "clinical" part of my clinical hypnotherapy certification is learning to sleep during the brief on-and-off moments like a person who is really in the health profession. ☺