Thursday, May 11, 2006

Day Three

(or, “I’d Like to Buy a Bowel”)

Word of the day: PERISTALSIS.

20 Wynote blog points if you already know what it means. And let’s hope you do better than you did on “Australian Ballot.”

Peristalsis is the involuntary constriction and relaxation of the muscles of the intestine or other canal, creating wavelike motions that move the contents of the canal forward. In other words, for our concern, it is the colon’s natural ability to respond to pressure and then excrete.

Or for you dancers from the 70s and early 80s, it’s like doing the worm.

Peristalsis is of great help in cleansing the body, if not for picking up a date. Come to think of it, doing the worm never really helped in that area either. But I digress.

Have you noticed the reports on the rise of “irritable bowel syndrome”? This is due, in part at least, to poor diets resulting in encrusted colons and bowels. In fact, diverticulitis—i.e. when the colon has small pockets of crusted and packed material—is one of the most common complaints of people over 50 years old, especially among women.

Since I haven’t eaten any solids since Monday (and then only a few raw vegetables and fruits), there is no natural pressure in my colon to commence peristalsis. What to do? Enema to the rescue!

That’s right, the age-old wacky tradition of filling one’s butt up with water so that the pressure causes a bowel movement. During fasting, it can be a real relief. It even cleans out old crusty corners where who knows what is lurking.

As Jack Nicholson says in the Batman movie, “This town needs an enema!”

(I can’t wait to see the google ads that pop up after their Web spiders crawl through this post! And it’s funny to me that I am writing this today, on Thursday, which work-wise is a repeat of last Thursday’s “Urinetown.”)

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